Mirror mirror 13

13th part

Photo by Alexandro Pasqualicchio on Unsplash

I recall now, spending many hours staring into the rusty edges of the bathroom mirror. Squinting my eyes, in an effort to make myself cry. Believing that this act, in itself, would somehow ‘bring me back.’

It didn’t work.

I remained absent and emotionless.

This was me now, I was no more, I was Fragmented.

I practised how to show feelings in that mirror, how to smile, how to cry, and how to be real.

The world was black and white, good and bad. I withdrew within myself. The tree climbing, mud digging child was hidden from view. Replaced with a perpetual frown, to keep the world at bay, and the need to be vigilant and unseen.

In my mind, the empty spaces in my life created a large black lake of sorrow, similar to the one that hung beneath the house. A once joyful and happy place, became frightening and vicious. it seethed beneath me. Hissing its intent to swallow me completely. Each step I took, needed to be carefully placed to avoid dropping into it.

I envied others who glided effortlessly in their seemingly carefree lives. I imagined their completeness and hid my burning shame. If only, I could be like them.

I was different now, I was the keeper of secrets.

Over time, I would test my internal lake and its resolve to consume me. On dark nights, guided only by the moon, my mind would silently clamber into the wooden boat to face my darkest fears and thoughts that tormented my days.

Holding steadfast to the rope. I would allow the lake and my memories to pull me forward, away from solid ground.

The warning hisses grew louder and the thumping wings from within drew closer. My fingers, white with fear, refused to release the rope. Instead they pulled me back to the perceived safety of the shore. returning me, once again, to myself and not unlike the lake, I continued to hide my own emptiness in a shroud of frowning silence.

One day, I determined that I would release the rope and enter into the nothingness. But for now, the ties that bind, held me in the familiarity of the me I'd come to know.

🦋